"Youapos;ll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something
Give me a better cause to lead
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe"
�- My Chemical Romance, "Thank You For The Venom"
It seems the casuality lists from Stalingrad keep rolling in - and the casualities were some I never expected. Strange the things you learn when you see an ex for the first time in 9 years. Nice to see her, but a bit odd and definitely unexpected. Apparently to someone else Iapos;m the "only person they ever really loved". Iapos;m not sure what I do, or what Iapos;ve got, but I sometimes wish I didnapos;t.
Also, some good news. The MIA is no longer MIA. It is however, I would say, seriously, indeed critically wounded. Whether or not that Special Connection I had with Vic can ever be healed, I canapos;t say. But what I can say is that it isnapos;t dead, thatapos;s for certain. At least, no-one was willing to let it die it seems. I suppose I shouldnapos;t say too much, but I think that saying that although I hoped it would be found again (I never wanted it to be left behind, not in my heart of hearts), I wasnapos;t the one who went out into the ruins of Stalingrad to find it and bring it back to the field hospital. At least, that is how it seems to me.
And if Iapos;m honest, thatapos;s what I wanted to see happen. I didnapos;t want to leave it out there, but I have to drive on to Leningrad, I canapos;t delay. Now Iapos;ve made some firm decisions on a battleplan, it needs to be carried out. Already, Iapos;m glad to say, it looks like links with Leningrad�have�been�established - the first step in lifting The Siege.
Itapos; easy to get stuck thinking about that Connection, and worry about if it will ever recover from the wounds I believe it has suffered. I have been thinking about it a bit, essentially about the days when Vic and I first met - how we talked to each other, because we needed someone to listen; how we spent days together slowly (actually, to be honest, rapidly) �falling in love in the most unlikely places (who would have thought dead rodents could bring two hearts together), and I miss those days. I can admit that to myself yet no longer be upset by it. Saddened, yes. I do wish it was possible to get it back. At the very least the being able to talk and listen to one another, which was the very core of the connection we shared, I feel. The problem is, is that it was that that led to our falling so deeply for each other - and I donapos;t think the two are separable - and that is what has caused the problems and the hurt of the past couple of years; trying to have the two things separate, yet together. Is it possible to have the core of the connection without everything that came with it the first time? If not, then itapos;s going to be dangerous to have it back (if that is even possible). If it is possible to separate them, then is that actually the same as what we had back then? Would it be as special? Essentially, as I see it - it may be� a case of all or nothing. Because it
has to be, thereapos;s no other possible way, at least to my mind. I donapos;t think Vic agrees (though I may be wrong, as we havent really ever talked about it successfully, but how can you when you donapos;t understand it?), and that, again, has been the cause of much hurt. Victims of circumstance, but I, for one, refuse to be a victim anymore...
So, for good or ill, I am unwilling to resort to "nothing" (and I donapos;t think Iapos;m the only one). So if I wonapos;t allow "nothing", and I canapos;t have (or give) "all"...
But itapos;s no good worrying about such things. I am constantly dragging myself back to focus on the road ahead, the future, and the lifting of The Siege.
If that connection is to recover from its wounds,
if it is to be re-established, and what state it will be in, well, that is something the future holds.
We must keep going forwards...
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